I'm scared

I'm scared here.

I'm scared of the stabbings, obviously. When I'm walking on the street, my head is a flurry of activity, constantly glancing side to side to look for assailants. When I'm standing in a public place, I try to keep my back against a wall, so that someone can't come up behind me and stab me. I'm scared that someone will notice me doing this.

I'm scared of the packs of right-wing Jewish nationalists marching and chanting "the West Bank is ours" and "Death to Arabs" in the streets. I'm scared of the images of the Interahamwe that flash through my mind. I'm scared that what they're doing is done in my name. I'm scared that I'm a bad Jew for comparing my own people to the Interahamwe.

I'm scared every time my phone buzzes, out of fear that it'll be a Haaretz alert of another shooting, another rock-throwing, another stabbing. I'm scared that it'll be a text from my group facilitator asking us all to check in, because another incident occurred near where we live, work, and study. I'm scared every time I hear a siren, even though I know that it's just because an old person fainted on the street, or because Bibi needs to go somewhere.

I'm scared that I can't be a real שמאלני if I'm scared all the time here, because being scared leads only to Likud at best and Kach or Lehava at worst. I'm scared that the amazing people around me will find out I'm scared.

I'm scared that if someone came up to me and offered me a ticket on a flight to London or New York departing in 4 hours, I would take it. I'm scared that I wouldn't.